Bill The Vampire Download Free (EPUB, PDF)
There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them. Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time. Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit. Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.
Audible Audio Edition
Listening Length: 7 hours and 44 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Rick Gualtieri
Audible.com Release Date: January 21, 2013
Language: English
ASIN: B00B3PKRFO
Best Sellers Rank: #110 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Genre Fiction > Horror > Vampires #370 in Books > Audible Audiobooks > Fiction & Literature > Horror #1360 in Books > Audible Audiobooks > Fantasy
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
If you're thinking of buying this, I strongly suggest trying the free sample first to see if it is to your taste. I thought this would be a book for geeks, by a geek. It's not.Bill is not a nerd. Bill can't remember his D&D character class (battlemage or swordmage, hmmmm?). Bill buys nonexistent D&D books. Bill says things like Blade-the-vampire-hunter. Nobody says Blade-the-vampire-hunter. They just say Blade. Blade has three movies, and just how many other Blades can you think of exactly, Bill?Bill is a jock. Bill calls women bitches, men dicks, and is more than a little homophobic. Bill thinks about rape a disturbing amount. Bill regularly gets really drunk. Bill thinks that his friend raving about finding a cool collectible is "psycho obsessive". Bill recognizes the machines in the gym. Bill punches people in the junk. Bill hates MIT.In conclusion, the dialogue reads like a frat boy trying to imitate a nerd. To be fair, the dialogue improves somewhat about halfway through the book, when Bill's internal monologue features less. By improve, I mean that there's slightly less overt swearing and homophobia. The misogyny is still pretty strong.Many of the characters sound more or less the same, to the point that different characters make the same "I just told you something untrue. Psych! It wasn't true after all. I gotcha, didn't I?" joke.The Darkwing Duck line was funny. It's a pity that almost nothing else was.
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.I received a free copy for review.
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.
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